


Heathers:The Musical but it's Peter and his classmates with the Avengers watching

by idawastaken



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Peter Parker, Everyone Loves Peter Parker, Gay Harley Keener, Heathers: The Musical References, Inspired by Fanfiction, M/M, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Harley Keener, Singer Peter Parker, The Avengers Are Good Bros, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24215815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idawastaken/pseuds/idawastaken
Summary: Peter surprises the Avengers by inviting them to a play he's doing at school, but when no one under the age of 14 is allowed to come with them, they're a bit confused.
Relationships: Abe Brown & Peter Parker, Betty Brant & Peter Parker, Bruce Banner & Peter Parker, Cindy Moon & Peter Parker, Clint Barton & Peter Parker, Harley Keener & Peter Parker, Harley Keener/Peter Parker, James "Bucky" Barnes & Peter Parker, Liz Allan & Peter Parker, May Parker (Spider-Man) & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Flash Thompson, Peter Parker & James "Rhodey" Rhodes, Peter Parker & Natasha Romanov, Peter Parker & Pepper Potts, Peter Parker & Sam Wilson, Peter Parker & Steve Rogers, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Vision, Wanda Maximoff & Peter Parker
Comments: 213
Kudos: 594





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> Veronica/Valentino-Peter Parker  
> JD-Harley Keener  
> Martha/Martin-Ned Leeds  
> Heather Chandler-Liz Allan  
> Heather McNamara-Betty Brant  
> Heather Duke-Cindy Moon  
> Ram-Flash Thompson  
> Kurt-Abe Brown

The Avengers were a bit confused, to say the least. 

Peter had come bouncing into the living room the week before, saying that he had gotten them all tickets to a play he and Harley were doing at school. That wasn't the confusing part though, not at all. They had known those two were preparing something at school, as they had been staying there for hours after school ended.

But what was weird, was that no one under the age of 14 was allowed in, which is why Tony and Pepper had to make Happy babysit Morgan, but that wasn't much of a problem. The man loved the girl after all.

So now they were sitting in their seats, all wearing some kind of disguise to not get recognized, and still wondering what they'd be witnessing in the next few hours. Pter hadn't told them what the play was about at all.

Then a voice came out of the speakers. Tony and May recognized it to be Peter's friend, MJ's voice.

"Attention, Ladies, and Gentlemen, before we begin I'd like to remind everyone to please turn off your cellphones. Also, there will be a small break after 45 minutes so you have time to go to the restroom or buy snacks without risking to miss something important. Very well, now sit back and let the show begin!"

The audience clapped and slowly the curtains pulled back...


	2. Beautiful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so the play begins...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made up a teacher to go as Ms. Fleming.

Peter walks onto the stage, wearing a tight pair of jeans and a grey jacket with a light blue shirt underneath. The sound of a bell ringing was heard and Peter begins to talk.

" September 1st, 1989. Dear Diary,

I believe I'm a good person. You know, I think that there's good in everyone, but—here we are! First day of senior year! And uh... "

More kids come onto the stage and stand in groups. 

"I look around at these kids that I've known all my life and I ask myself—what happened?"

All the kids sing at the same time. 

_"Freak!_

_Slut!_

_Burnout!_

_Bug-eyes!_

_Poser!_

_Lard-ass!"_ With that, they all stop and stand still on the spot.

"We were so tiny, happy and shiny", Peter walks over to Ned trying to reach for one of his books that a taller boy had taken away from him. "Playing tag and getting chased"

The kids move again. _"Freak!_

_Slut!_

_Loser!_

_Shortbus!"_

Peter goes back to his original spot. "Singing and clapping, laughing and napping, baking cookies, eating paste"

_"Bull-dyke!_

_Stuck-up!_

_Hunchback!"_

"Then we got bigger, that was the trigger like the Huns invading Rome", Peter sings as he walks to the left side of the stage.

The kids unfreeze again, one stumbling into Peter which sends him stumbling into another girl. "Oh, sorry.",he quickly rushes out.

"Welcome to my school, this ain't no high school", he walked back to the middle of the stage.  
"This is the Thunderdome"The audience chuckled.

"Hold your breath and count the days, we're graduating soon" The kids all unfreeze and begin walking. _"White trash!"_

"College will be paradise, if I'm not dead by June!", Peter sings and the kids start to move as in slow motion. Peter grimaces.

"But I know, I know, life can be beautiful" Another round of chuckles ring throughout the audience. "I pray, I pray for a better way"

"If we changed back then, we could change again. We can be beautiful...", Peter trailes off as Charles is knocked over by Jason. All the kids start moving again.

"Just not today.", he quickly rushes over to Charles as the audience chuckles. "Hey, are you okay?"

The boy pushed him away. "Get away, Nerd!" Peter grimaces and walks over to the middle of the stage again, where kids are lining up.

_"Freak!_

_Slut!_

_Cripple!_

_Homo!_

_Homo!_

_Homo!"_

"Things will get better soon as my letter comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown. Wake from this coma, take my diploma, then I can blow this town. Dream of ivy-covered walls and smoky French cafés", Peter looks at the audience with a dreamy look in his eyes while being handed a lunch tray.

_"Watch it!"_

"Fight the urge to strike a match and set this dump ablaze!" Flash comes from the side to smack his lunch tray out of his hands. "Ooooops.", he grins and all the kids freeze.

Peter walks to the left side of the stage and points at him. "Ram Sweeney. Third year as linebacker and eighth year of smacking lunch trays  
and being a huge dick!"

Flash unfroze and walked over to him. "What did you say to me, skank?" Peter moves away, startled. "Aah, nothing!"

The kids unfreeze und begin singing with Peter.

"But I know, I know... _(I know, I know...)_  
Life can be beautiful _(Beautiful)_  
I pray, I pray _(I pray, I pray)_  
  
For a better way (For a better way)  
We were kind before; (Oooh...)", Peter walks back to the center of the stage.  
"We can be kind once more (Oooh...)" Ned joins him and waves a couple of times, hoping for him to be noticed.  
"We can be beautiful... (Oooh... Beautiful...)", Ned taps his shoulders and he jumps, turning to look at him.

"Gah! Hey Martin." "Hey.", Ned moves and freezes in a...not so handsome way, making the audience laugh.

Peter points at him and grins at the audience. "Martin Dunstock, my best friend since diapers."

"We on for movie night?", Ned asks. "Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail.", Peter retorted.

"I rented "The Princess Bride.", Ned says dreamily, making Peter chuckle.

"Ho-ho-ho, again? Wait, don't you have it memorized by now?"

"What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending", Ned grinned at the audience.

Abe then walked in front of them, yelling loudly."Martin Dumptruck! Wide load! Honnnnnk! Hahaaa!" Abe froze, suddenly yelling into Ned's ear.

"Kurt Kelly.", Peter sighed. "Quarterback. He is the smartest guy on the football team." The Audience laughed.

"Which is kind of like being the tallest dwarf." More laughter.

"Haha! Alriiight!", the boy yelled as he unfroze again. Peter looked at him angrily. 'Looks more like an angry puppy.', Tony thought.

"Hey! Pick that up! Right now!", Peter fumed, making Abe scoff. "I'm sorry, are you actually talking to me?" Flash came up next to him.

"My buddy Kurt just asked you a question." Peter rolled his eyes.

"Yes, I am. I wanna know what gives you the right to pick on my friend. You're a high school has-been waiting to happen. A future gas station attendant!"

"...You have a zit right there...", Abe retorted and laughed at him along with the other kids.

Peter reopens his book, looking startled. "Dear diary,"

"Why~", he drawls the word out while the others state their thoughts.

"Why do they hate me?"  
"Why don’t I fight back?"  
"Why do I act like such a creep?", Abe asks himself, making the audience laugh.

"Why~", Peter began again.

"Why won’t she date me?"  
"Why did I hit him?"  
"Why do I cry myself to sleep?", multiple people ask themselves, making some people chuckle.

"Why~"

"Somebody hug me!  
Somebody fix me!  
Somebody save me!"

Peter sings with them.

"Send me a sign, God!  
Give me some hope, here!  
Something to live for!" Some kids form a tunnel with their trays, holding them up. The music changes and soon the kids begin to sing again.

 _"Ahh! Heather, Heather, and Heather!"_ The three Heathers, Liz, Betty, and Cindy enter.

"And then there's the Heathers. They float above it all.", Peter states. 'Ah, Heathers.', Tony thought. He's heard of it before. The only thing he knows about it though is that it's a really popular play based on a movie from 1988.

_"I love Heather, Heather, and Heather."_

"Heather McNamara, head cheerleader. Her dad is loaded—he sells engagement rings.", Betty comes forward and shows off her ring. 

_I hate Heather, Heather, and Heather."_

"Heather Duke, runs the yearbook. No discernible personality, but her mom did pay for implants." The audience laughs.

_"I want Heather, Heather, and Heather"_

"And Heather Chandler, the Almighty"; Peter stops, taking a deep breath. "She is a mythic bitch" Chuckles ring throughout the audience.

_"I need Heather, Heather, and Heather"_

"They're solid Teflon—never bothered, never harassed. I would give anything to be like that.", Peter sighs.

_"Mmmm..."_

"I'd like to be their boyfriend!" _"That would be beautiful..._

_Mmmm..."_

"If I sat at their table, guys would notice me" _"So beautiful..._

_Ooooh..."_

"I'd like them to be nicer" _"That would be beautiful..._

_Ooooh..."_

"I'd like to kidnap a Heather and photograph her naked in an abandoned warehouse and leave her tied up for the rats." Some people chuckle, the Avengers just look at each other like 'WTF'.

Peter enters the bathroom, only to see Liz and Betty watch Cindy puke into a toilet.

"Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.", Liz rolls her eyes. "Maybe you should see a doctor, Heather.", Betty butts in. 

"Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should.", Duke points out.

Ms. Honey walks up to them. "Ah, Heather and Heather" Cindy vomits once again and Ms. Honey sighs. 

"...and Heather. Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all the vomiting. You're late for class." Peter quickly starts to scribble on a piece of paper.

"Heather wasn't feeling well. We're helping her.", Liz argues. "Not without a hall pass, you're not. Week's detention.", she smirks and turns around, only to have a paper shoved into her face.

"Um, actually, Ms. Fleming, all four of us are out on a hall pass. Yearbook committee...", Peter says, making Ms. Honey grumble.

"...I see you're all listed. Hurry up and get where you're going." She walks off and Liz turns to Peter.

"This is an excellent forgery. Who are you?" "Valentino Sawyer. I crave a boon." Liz raises one eyebrow at him.

"What boon?" "Um. Let me sit at your table, at lunch. Just once. No talking necessary. If people think that you guys tolerate me, then they'll leave me alone..."

The Heathers laugh. "Before you answer, I also do report cards, permission slips, and absence notes.", Peter quickly rushes out.

"How about prescriptions?", Cindy asks, making Liz snap at her. "Shut up, Heather." "Sorry, Heather." The audience laughs.

Liz inspects Peter's face. "For a greasy little nobody, you do have good bone structure.", she points out. "And a symmetrical face. If I took a meat cleaver down the center of your skull, I'd have matching halves. That's very important.", Betty adds. "Of course, you could stand to lose a few pounds", Cindy snarks. Liz rolls her eyes and begins to sing.

"And ya know, ya know, ya know?  
This could be beautiful  
Mascara, maybe some lip gloss  
And we're on our way  
Get this boy some blush;  
And Heather, I need your brush  
Let's make him beautiful" "Let's make him beautiful..." "Let's make him beautiful..." "Make him beautiful..."

"Okay?", Liz asks. "Okay.", Peter nods. The three girls disappear with him off-stage, making the Avengers curious as to what was gonna happen next. 

The other kids reappeared on stage.

"Out of my way, geek!", Abe scoffed, shoving a geeky looking kid away from him.

"I don't want trouble—", the boy tries to console him, but Flash cuts in, getting in his face.

"You're gonna die at 3 pm!" The boy backs off, bumping into two girls.

"Don't you dare touch me! Get away, pervert!", they snap, making him wince and step away.

"What did I ever do to them?" Now all kids join in, them singing together once again.

"Who could survive this?  
I can't escape this!  
I think I'm dying!", they cried.

"Who's that with Heather?", Ms. Honey cut in, sounding and looking confused.

The Heathers reenter the stage one by one. "Woah...", the kids sigh astonishedly.

_"Heather, Heather, Heather..."_

"And someone!", a girl sings carelessly. This causes another round of laughter to ring through the crowd. 

_"Heather, Heather, Heather..."_

"And a babe!" The Avengers raised their eyebrows at this and exchanged expecting looks.

_"Heather, Heather, Heather..."_

Ned gapes, recognizing his best friend. "Val?!", he cries.

"Valentino? Valentino? Valentino!", the kids sing, the mystery having been revealed. They slowly take down their trays and Peter runs to the center of the stage, dressed in a grey skirt, blue stockings, and a matching blue blazer over a fancy looking white blouse. His hair looks more curly now and he has blue eyeshadow and lipgloss on.

Tony has to hold back a cough. A skirt?! Glancing at May and his teammates, they seem just as shocked.

"And you know, you know, you know _(Ooohhhh!)_  
Life can be beautiful _(Aaahhh! Beautiful!)_ ", Peter sings with his arms spread wide and open. The audience cheers.

  
"You hope, you dream, you pray _(Ooohhhh!)_  
And you get your way! _(Aaahhh!)_  
Ask me how it feels _(Beautiful!)_  
Lookin' like hell on wheels... _(Ooohhhh!)_  
My God, it's beautiful! _(Aaahhh! Beautiful!)_ " 

The kids around him begin to dance.

"I might be beautiful... _(Beautiful!)_  
And when you're beautiful... _(Aaahhh!)_  
It's a beautiful frickin' day!", Peter holds the high note for a little longer, making some of the Avengers raise their eyebrows, seemingly impressed.

"Heather! Heather! Heather! Valentino!  
Heather! Heather! Heather! Valentino!  
Valentino! Valentino! Valentino!  
Valentinooooo!", the kids finish and the lights turn off. The audience cheers.

"This wasn't so bad, wonder what's gonna happen for it to be over 14 years...", Wanda wonders and the others agree. Well, they'd just have to wait and see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your feedback! I'd love to see some more, maybe some tips to improve on my writing <3


	3. Candy Store

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers think the play is rated that way because of the curse words...nahhhhhh

When the lights turn back on, Peter is seen in the center of the stage with a book in his bands.

"Dear diary, It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve became friends with the Heathers... well, “friends” isn’t the right words exactly. It’s more like the Heathers are people I work with and our job is being popular and shit.", Peter complains. Bucky snorts quietly. "Us." Everyone except Steve laughs, the blonde just smacking him on his arm lightly. 

"We save people, Buck. That's our job." The team rolls their eyes in amusement. Good old cap.

"Hey, Val!", Ned exclaims as he runs up to his best friend, looking excited over something. Peter grins.

"Hey!"

"You’ve looked really beautiful these days.", Ned compliments, which makes Peter smile lightly.

"Yeah, well it’s just the same me underneath.", he forces out with a half-smile. Ned raises an unbelieving eyebrow.

"Are you sure?" Ned looks down and Peter rushes to apologize.

"Look, I’m sorry I flaked on movie night last week. I’ve had a lot going on.", the boy sighs and Ned smiles understandingly. The interaction kinda reminded Tony of Peter's situation when he had first moved in with the team. There had been a lot of attacks and the boy had been insisting on wanting to help the team, so knowing that he wouldn't give up, Tony just let him and his aunt move in. They were over at the tower often anyway, so it didn't really make that much of a difference.

"I get that. You’re with the Heathers now. It’s exciting!", the darker-skinned boy exclaims half-heartedly, trying to look more sincere with the being understanding.

"It’s whatever. But we’ll hang soon, I promise." Peter doesn't really sound all that sure of it but Ned seems to dismiss it.

"Valentino! Heather says to haul ass to the caf pronto.", Cindy rushes up to them and Peter sighs. "How very."

He and Ned wave each other one last time. They walk to the left side of the stage, where Liz and Betty were waiting.

"Valentino! I need a forgery in Ram Sweeney’s handwriting. You’ll need something to write on. Heather, bend over!", Liz snaps, turning to Cindy. Cindy quickly follows her orders, bending over to let Peter lean on his back and write the forgery.

"Hi honey, I’ve been watching you and thinking about us in the old days. I hope you can come to my homecoming party this weekend. I miss you! Ram. And put an “XO” after the signature.", Liz dictates for Peter to write.

What’s this for anyway?", Peter asked, finishing up and handing it to Liz.

"You know how Ram used to hang with Martin Dumptruck?", Liz asked, scoffing. Peter hesitated.

"Well yeah, in kindergarten. We all did.", he responds lamely.

"We all didn’t kiss on the kickball field.", Cindy states, sounding like she was about to laugh.

"Oh my god that’s right, I totally forgot! Ram kissed Martin Dumptruck. It was disgusting!", Betty giggles. The crowd chuckled at her tone. 

Flash and Abe are talking about the Heathers and Liz's face lights up. 

"Perfect. Hey Ram, come here!", she waves Flash over, who gapes.

"Yo, what do you think Heather wants?", he asks, turning to Abe.

"I bet she wants you to, like, set her on your johnson and spin her around like a goddamn pinwheel!" Some people in the audience laugh, some look slightly disturbed.

"Hell yeah, punch it in!" They fist-bump and laugh before Flash heads over to Liz, who comes close to him.

"Be a sweetie and give this note to Martin Dumptruck for me.", she bats her eyes at him. Peter looks at her, obviously shocked.

"What? No!"

"Since when did you hang out with that lard-ass?", Flash sneers. Liz scoffs and hands him the note.

"Don't read it! He wanted some advice on how to get a boy to knock him up.", Liz orders sternly.

"Ewwwww, gross!", Flash and Abe exclaim. Peter moves forward and takes the note from Flash.

"Yeah, I'll take that. Thank you!" Liz turns to look at him in an irritated way.

"What are you doing?"

"You can't do this. Not to Martin.", Peter pleads, still shocked.

"What? It'll give him shower-masturbation material for a week.", Cindy sneers. Liz rolls her eyes.

"Shut up, Heather!", she snaps. Cindy ducks her head.

"Sorry, Heather." Peter turns back to Liz as the audience laughs.

"Martin's been gay panicking over Ram for like 12 years now. This could kill him. Come on, Heather, you're bigger than this.", Peter pleads.

"Are we gonna have a problem?  
You got a bone to pick?  
You’ve come so far  
Why now are you pulling on my dick?  
I’d normally slap your face off  
And everyone here could watch  
But I’m feeling nice  
Here’s some advice  
Listen up, biotch!", Liz snaps and music starts to play. The three girls begin to dance.

"I like!"  
"Lookin’ hot, buying stuff they cannot"  
"I like!"  
"Drinkin’ hard, maxin’ Dad’s credit card" Tony snorts. Peter definitely couldn't relate.  
"I like!"  
"Skippin’ gym  
Scaring her  
Screwing him"  
"I like!"  
"Killer clothes, kickin’ nerds in the nose!", the girls advance on Peter, kicking the air.

"If you lack the balls  
You can play with dolls  
Let your mommy fix you a snack"  
"Woah!"  
"Or you could come smoke  
Pound some rum and coke  
In my Porsche with the quarterback", the girls were now on a higher part of the stage.  
"Woah! Woah! Woah!"  
"Honey, whatchu waitin’ for?  
Welcome to my candy store  
It’s time for you to prove  
You’re not a loser anymore  
Then step into my candy store"

"Guys fall"  
"At your feet  
Pay the check"  
"Help you cheat" Peter looks at the forgery in his hand.  
"All you"  
"Have to do"  
"Say goodbye to Shamu"

"That freak’s"  
"Not your friend  
I can tell in the end", Betty sings.  
"If he"  
"Had your shot", Cindy finishes.  
"He would leave you to rot!"  
"‘Course if you don’t care  
Fine! I guess that's fair  
Maybe Sesame Street is on", Betty sings mockingly. Peter grabs his head.  
"Woah!"  
"Or forget that creep", Betty begins. Liz takes the piece of paper from Peter and gives it to Cindy.  
"And get in my jeep", Cindy brags  
"Let’s go tear up someone’s lawn", Liz finishes.

"Woah! Woah! Woah!" Cindy hands Martin the forgery.

"Honey, whatchu waitin’ for?  
Welcome to my candy store  
You just gotta prove  
You’re not a pussy anymore  
Then step into my candy store", they all sing together, now standing on the same level as Peter once again.

"You can join the team"  
"Or you can bitch and moan"  
"You can live the dream"  
"Or you can die alone" Peter walks over and watches them.  
  
"You can fly with eagles"  
"Or if you prefer"  
"Keep on testing me"  
"And end up like him!", they sing and point at Ned, who's come rushing to Peter.

"Valentino, look! Ram invited me to his homecoming party! See, I told you there was still something there! This proves he’s been thinking about me!", Ned rambles excitedly. Peter winces.

"Color me stoked!", Peter forces out.

"I’m so happy!" Ned runs off with a bounce in his step. Peter tries to go after him but stops to continue watching the girls.

  
"Woah!"  
"Honey, whachu waiting fo—", Cindy begins. He's shoved to the ground by Liz.  
"Shut up Heather!  
Step into my candy store!"  
"Time for you to prove you’re not a lame-ass anymore!"  
"Oooh woah! Woah oh oh!"  
"Then step into my candy store!  
It’s my candy store  
It’s my candy  
It’s my candy store  
It’s my candy!  
It’s my candy store  
It's my candy store!", they finish, looking at Peter judgingly. The audience applauds and cheers.

Steve turns to Tony. "Maybe all the cursing is why it's over 14."

Tony shrugs. "Makes sense, I guess."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp this was quick i guess


	4. Fight For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some Parley action yessss

The three girls walk off and Peter turns to Harley as he begins to speak, jumping slightly.

" You shouldn’t have bowed down to the swatch dogs and diet coke heads. They’re gonna crush that girl.", the boy states mockingly and Peter sputters.

"I’m sorry, what?", he snaps back. Harley grins and sighs.

"Look, you’ve clearly got a soul. You just need to work a little harder keeping it clean. We’re all born marked for evil." Harley smirks at Peter, stands up, and starts to walk away. Peter gapes

"Okay, don’t just quote Baudelaire at me and walk away. Excuse me? I didn’t catch your name.", Peter says quickly, stopping the taller boy, who just turns to look at him and grins.

"I didn’t throw it."

Tony snorts quietly. That was such a Harley thing to say now that he thought about it. The team was cracking up at the stupidity of it. May snorts loudly at the way Peter gapes after the boy.

Abe steps in, sneering. "Who does that guy in the jacket think he is anyway? Bo Diddley?"

"Valentino’s into his act, no doubt.", Flash grumbles. Abe folds his arms.

"Let’s kick his ass!" 

"We’re seniors, man. We’re too old for that shit.", Flash protests, but still follows Abe as he trots over to the boy, making the audience laugh.

"Hey, sweetheart! What’d your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?", Abe drawls out, one arm thrown over Harley's shoulders and leaning in his ear. When Harley doesn't answer for a second, Flash straightens his jacket and gets close to him.

"My buddy Kurt here just asked you a question."

"Hey Ram, doesn’t this cafeteria have a “no fags allowed” rule?", Abe sneers. Flash smirks and nods. He seems a bit confused though. They both found Peter hot after all. 

"Sure does."

"They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though.", Harley retorts, seemingly unbothered. Steve grins. Harley would be fuming on the inside if this was real.

"Hold his arms.", Abe orders Flash, who obeys. Well, tries to. Harley smacks them both with the book he's holding.

 _"Holy shit_  
 _Holy shit_  
 _Holy shit"_ Harley kicks Abe in between the legs, making him fall. The kids on the sidelines are freaking out.

 _"Holy shit_  
 _Holy shit_  
 _Holy shit_  
 _Holy shit_  
 _Holy shit_  
 _Holy shit!"_ Harley moves to punch Flash, but all the kids slow down in their movements and eventually freeze.

"Why when you see boys fight does it look so horrible yet... feel so right?", Peter sings after a short pause of the audience laughing at the frozen positions.

"I shouldn't watch this crap that’s not who I am, but with this kid... daaaaamn~", Peter swoons, making the audience laugh once again.

"Hey, mister no-name kid, so who might you be? And could you fight for me?", Peter sings as he turns to look at Harley. Nat grins.

"I think you're more than capable to do that yourself, kiddo." The Avengers laugh quietly.

"Hey, could you face the crowd?" Clint grimaces at that.

"That he can't do." Bucky snorts loudly, making some people look at them and Steve scolds Bucky quietly.

"Could you be seen with me and still act proud?" He walks to stand in front of Harley and then laughs at Abe, who's laying on the floor in pain. The audience chuckles.

"Hey, could you hold my hand and could you carry me through no man's land?", Peter intertwines his fingers with Harley's frozen ones. He quickly snaps out of it and moves away.

"It's fine if you don't agree, but I would fight for you if you would fight for me~", he drawls out, looking at Harley with longing in his eyes. The kids start to slowly move again.

"Let them drive us underground, I don't care how far. You can set my broken bones and I know CPR." Harley's fist finally comes in contact with Flash's face and the latter slowly falls to the ground.

"Well, whoa, you can punch real good." Tony scoffs.

"Nah he can't." Tony swears he sees Harley glare at him for a moment.

"You've lasted longer than I thought you would." Abe tries to punch Harley but misses, making Harley smirk and holds his arms out. The audience laughs and claps.

"So hey, mister no-name kid if some night you're free-" Harley grabs the startled Abe's head and moves to bump his head into the other boy's.

"Wanna fight for me?" Harley bumps his head into Abe's twice and Peter smiles and roots for him quietly.

"If you're still alive I would fight for you if you would fight for me", Peter holds the note for some time, while Harley smirks and rub at his neck in a smug way. Meanwhile, the kids get back to their normal tempo and Abe and Flash plummet to the ground.

The audience cheers and claps loudly as the lights darken. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Freeze Your Brain next! More Parley yaaaay   
> If you see any mistakes please point them out to me so I can fix them


	5. Freeze Your Brain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PARLEYPARLEYPARLEY

The lights turn on again and Liz, Betty, Cindy, and Peter are seen with croquet rackets in their hands and their backs turned to the audience. They slowly turn around and take a few steps forward. 

"God, Valentino! Drool much? You were practically throwing your panties at that new kid.", Liz sneers, glaring at Betty and Cindy, ordering them to back her up. They force an intimidated laugh. "And from the look of your house, you can’t afford replacement panties."

Betty and Cindy laugh once again.

"Come on, I don’t even know his name.", Peter sighs, watching as Liz hits the ball with her racket.

Tony couldn't help but think of the first time that Peter and Harley met. Peter had obviously gay panicked and the team mocked him for it afterward, saying that he should just go and kiss his 'boyfriend'. Peter had whined and annoyed the shit out of Tony so many times that day, trying to get Harley's name out of him.

"Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer, watch out!", Liz warned sweetly. Mrs. Warren comes out of the shadows and laughs. She picks the ball up and gives it back to Liz, smiling warmly.

"Here you go, girls! Care for some pate?", the woman asked, holding out a plate. Liz sneers once again.

"That isn’t pate. That’s liverwurst." Mrs. Warren laughs awkwardly.

"I know that, Heather. It’s a family joke!"

"Oh. Funny!", Liz says, obviously not amused. Peter joined them and Mr. Harrington spoke up.

"Dammit! Can somebody tell me why I read these spy novels?", he asks. Peter sighs and rolls his eyes.

"Because you’re an idiot, dad." Tony smirks. Peter hadn't called him 'dad' with the tone of affection as he did to him.

"Oh yeah, that’s it.", Mr. Harrington agrees. The audience laughs as Mrs. Warren cackles.

"So, girls, any plans for tonight?", she asks, calming down.

"Oh yeah. There's a big homecoming party at Ram Sweeney’s house. I’m catching a ride with Heather.", he places his racket on his shoulders.

"Speaking of which.", Liz states. She leaves with the other girls.

"Umm...okay. Great pate, mom, but we better motor if we want to be ready for that party.", Peter smiles.

"Don’t let the popular girls change you.", Mrs. Waaren says and takes his hand. Peter sighs.

"I need them.", Peter objects. Mrs. Warren frowns.

"For what? You have friends. You have Martin!"

"Maybe I want more out of life than liverwurst." Peter squirms under her gaze and walks off.

Mr. Harrington joins Mrs. Waaren. "Those girls seemed really nice."

The girls come out of the corner and begin singing "Candy Store" again.

"Then step into my candy store!  
It’s my candy store  
It’s my candy  
It’s my candy store  
It’s my candy!  
It’s my candy store  
It's my candy store!"

The audience claps. The next time the lights turn on Peter is seen stumbling onto the stage.

"Valentino, don’t forget to buy corn nuts! It’s not a party without corn nuts!!!", Liz screams from off-stage and honks, making some people laugh.

"Yes, Heather. Plain or BQ?", Peter asks.

"BQ!!!" The audience cackles. Peter goes and takes the corn nuts from the shelves. 

"Greetings and salutations. You want a slurpee with that?" Harley appears, slurpee in hand.

"No, but if you’re nice I’ll let you buy me a big gulp.", Peter states, grinning.

"That’s like going to Mickey D’s to order a salad. Slurpee is the signature dish of the house. Did you say cherry or lime?" Harley turns, about to go backstage, when Peter interjects

"I said big gulp.", he teases and Harley turns back to him, a grin on his face.

"I’m Valentino Sawyer, by the way.", he giggles. Harley watches him. "Were you ever gonna tell me your name?

"I’ll end the suspense. Jason Dean. JD for short.", Harley smirks, walking towards him and stopping right in front of him, holding his hand out. Peter takes it.

"So, JD, that thing you pulled in the caf was pretty severe.", Peter giggles once again and nervously bounces on his heels.

"The extreme always seems to make an impression.", Harley smirks. Peter giggles loudly, making the audience laugh.

"So what brings a Baudelaire-quoting badass like you to Sherwood, Ohio?", Peter smiles at him. Harley shrugs.

"My dad’s work. He owns a deconstruction company.", he states. Peter tilts his head.

"Deconstruction?" Harley nods.

"Yeah, the old man seems to enjoy tearing things down. You ever seen the commercial like 'My name's Big Bud Dean if it’s in the way I’ll make your day!'", Harley imitates, making Peter laugh.

"Right, then he pulls the plunger and the screen blows up! That’s your dad?" Peter laughs again, louder this time. Harley watches with a soft smile on his face.

Tony shakes his head, smiling fondly. That smile was reserved for Peter and Peter only. These two were too pure.

"In all his semi-psychotic glory.", Harley chuckles and Peter grins brightly.

"Everyone’s life has got static." Peter smiles fondly.

_HOOOOOONK!_

"Valentinoooooooo!!!!", Liz screeches and the audience cracks up. Peter jumps slightly while Harley looks on, seemingly startled.

"Example: I don’t really like my friends.", Peter grumbles shyly. Harley chuckled.

"I don’t like your friends either. Bag the party, hang here!" Harley winks and comes closer.

"At the 7-Eleven? Swanky first date.", Peter comments, grinning, and also stepping closer.

"Hey, I love this place.", Harley smiles and looks around. Peter chuckles.

"No offense... but why?"

"I've been through ten high schools, they start to get blurry", Harley sings.

  
"No point planting roots  
'Cause you're gone in a hurry  
My dad keeps two suitcases packed in the den  
So it's only a matter of when  
I don't learn the names  
Don't bother with faces  
All I can trust is this concrete oasis" Harley runs his fingers along the shelves.

"Seems every time I'm about to despair  
There's a 7-11 right there" He shows off with his hands to the audience. Chuckles ring through the crowd.

"Each store is the same  
From Las Vegas to Boston  
Linoleum aisles that I love to get lost in" Harley walks around the aisle and stops in front of Peter.

"I pray at my altar of slush  
Yeah I live for that sweet frozen rush..." He takes a quick sip and grabs his head in pain, Peter yelping.

"Freeze your brain  
Suck on that straw  
Get lost in the pain  
Happiness comes  
When everything numbs  
Who needs cocaine?" The audience laughs, the Avengers the loudest because Steve was scowling at that last line.

"Freeze your brain  
Freeze your brain"

"Care for a hit?", he holds the slurpee out to Peter, who rolls his eyes.

"Does your mommy know you eat all this crap?", he teases. 

"Not anymore.", Harley shrugs and begins to sing again.

"When mom was alive-" Peter gapes, the audience laughing at his expression.

"We lived halfway normal  
But now it's just me and my dad  
We're less formal  
I learned to cook pasta  
I learned to pay rent;" Peter turns to watch him again.

"Learned the world  
Doesn't owe you a cent  
You're planning your future  
Valentino Sawyer  
You'll go to some college  
And marry a lawyer  
But the sky's gonna hurt  
When it falls  
So you better start  
Building some walls..." Harley hold up his slurpee and laughter was heard once again.

"Freeze your brain  
Swim in the ice  
Get lost in the pain  
Shut your eyes tight  
Till you vanish from sight  
Let nothing remain" He turns towards the audience.

"Freeze your brain  
Shatter your skull  
Fight pain with more pain  
Forget who you are  
Unburden your load  
Forget in six weeks  
You'll be back on the road  
When the voice in your head  
Says you're better off dead  
Don't open a vein", he holds the note for a while. Tony raises his eyebrows. Impressive.

"Just freeze your brain  
Freeze your brain  
Go on and freeze your brain...", he finishes and Peter comes and steps closer to him.

"Try it.", Harley holds the drink out to the other boy, who takes a sip.

"I don’t see what the big deal- OH SON OF A BITCH!" Peter holds his head and Harley smirks. Liz comes onstage.

"Valentino! Corn nuts?", she demands. Peter apologizes quickly.

"Yes, Heather."

"Wave bye-bye to Red Dawn here and let’s motor." Liz walks off.

"I'm sorry.", he rushes and runs off. Harley looks after him and smiles softly.

Tony snorts.

The lights turn off and the audience cheers loudly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm kinda scared of writing Big Fun THERE'S SO MUCH STUFF GOING ON


	6. Big Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh so this is whyyyyyyyyyyyyy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ram's Dad-Mr.Cobbwell  
> Kurt's Dad-Coach Wilson

The light turns on again. Mr. Cobbwell and Coach Wilson are seen along with Flash and Abe.

"Okay, Ram. Have fun tonight, but I expect you to act your age. The Henshaw’s have the number to the cabin. If they call to complain, I’m gonna come back here and knock the sand out of your vagina.", Mr. Cobbwell rushes. Flash sighs.

"Dude, what am I? 5?", Flash grumbles.

"I’m your dad, not your “dude”.", the teacher retorts, grinning smugly.

"It goes double for you, Kurt. You’re a guest in Bill’s house and you will treat him with respect.", Coach Wilson lectures Abe.

"Sure thing, dude!", Abe just mocks and laughs with Flash. They fist bump. 

"Grab his arms.", Coach Wilson orders. Mr. Cobbwell does so.

"Okay, okay it’s funny! I was kidding!", Abe whines.

"Who’s a big sissy?", Coach Wilson snickers.

"I’m not a sissy!", Abe snaps. The man just rolls his eyes at that.

"Who’s a big sissy?" Abe sighs.

"I get it, it’s funny!", he simply says.

"You’re gonna wear a pretty, pretty dress!" Coach Wilson punches him some more. Abe whines and gives in.

"Fine! I’m a sissy! I’m a big fat sissy!", he snaps. The man lets him go and ruffles his hair.

"Damn right you are. Have fun at your party."

"Punch it in!", Mr. Cobbwel says. The men fist bump and exit the stage. Abe groans.

"Damn that sucked." Flash snorts.

"Dude, who cares? The parents gone and I got my party slippers on!" Abe grins widely. A song starts to play and all the kids join the two boys on stage.

"Dad says "Act our age." You heard the man, it's time to rage!" Flash and Abe jump arm in arm while the kids around them dance.

_"Blast the bass, turn out the light, ain't nobody home tonight!"_

"Drink, smoke, it's all cool let's get naked in my pool!", Flash sings while body rolling.

The Avengers all realize that this was why the play was over 14. Now that made sense.

_Punch the wall and start a fight! Ain't nobody home tonight!"_

"His folks got a waterbed, come upstairs and rest your head!", Abe bellows and the adults in the audience snorted.

"Let's rub each other's backs while watching porn on Cinemax!", Flash whoops. Liz, Betty, and Cindy move to the center of the stage and start to dance.

"The folks are gone  
It's time for big fun!  
Big fun!  
We're up till dawn  
Having some big fun!  
Big fun!  
When mom and dad forget  
To lock the liquor cabinet  
It's big fun!  
Big fun!", they all sing while dancing. 

"Okay so it's salt, then lime and then shot!", Peter says and takes a shot. Tony raises an eyebrow. That better not be real alcohol.

"No it's salt, then shot-", Betty tries.

"You're doing it wrong!", Liz snaps. Peter blinks.

"Wait really? 'Cause I feel great!" The audience laughs at his tone. Jason walks up to him.

"Valentino, you are looking good tonight!", he smirks at the smaller boy and takes his shot.

Peter blinks again. "Woah." 

"A hot guy smiled at me without a trace of mockery!", Peter giggles. The audience laughs.

_"Everyone's high as a kite, ain't nobody home tonight!"_

"Stoned. Zoned. I should quit... Hey, is that weed? I want a hit", Peter sings enthusiastically and takes the joint from some random kid.

Tony laughs at the irony of it. As Spider-Man, Peter usually stopped underage kids from doing drugs or even drinking. 

_"Fill that joint and roll it tight, ain't nobody home tonight!"_

"Dreams are coming true when people laugh but not at you! I'm not alone! I'm not afraid! I feel like Bono at LiveAid!", Peter sings. The kids start to dance again.

"The house is ours  
It's time for big fun!  
Big fun!  
Let's use their showers  
That sounds like  
Big fun!  
Big fun!  
Crack open one more case!"

"I think that's what they call "third base".", Peter laughs, pointing at two kids acting as if they were having sex.

"Big Fun!  
Big fun!  
Big fun!"

"That actually looks like--", Peter sings.

"Big fun!  
Big fun!  
Big fun!"

"Alright, people, listen up! What is Westerberg gonna do to the Razorbacks at Sunday's game?", Abe bellowed.

"Gonna make 'em go whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!" Flash humped the piñata from behind.

"Big fun!  
BIG FUN!"

"Way to show maturity!", Cindy mocked as Flash and Abe both humped the piñata.

"Big fun!  
BIG FUN!" Flash heads over to Cindy and humps her.

"Quit it jackass, get off of me!", she screeched. Peter quickly moved to help her.

"Big fun!  
BIG FUN!"

"Yo! Ram! Emergency! I just saw some freshmen sneaking over the pool fence!", Peter yelled, trying to distract Flash.

"I hate freshmen! Where are you little pricks? I'm coming for you!", the boy sneered and ran offstage. 

"Hey, are you okay?", Peter asked gently. Cindy sneered and straightened her jacked before showing him her middle finger.

"I didn't need your help!" Peter grinned and shoved her finger down. 

"Aw, thanks for the finger, Heather, but I don't really have to vomit right now. Hahaha, you get it?", Peter laughed dumbly and the audience cracked up.

"The party's hot, hot, hot  
It's time for big fun!  
Big fun!"

"You need a jello shot!" Abe gave one to Cindy and ran away again.

"We're having big fun!  
Big fun!"

"Martin Dumptruck, in the flesh", Liz starts.

"Here comes the Cootie Squad. We should--", Cindy tries, but Liz stops her.

"Shut up, Heather!"

"Sorry, Heather" Cindy ducks her head.

"Look who's with him -- Oh, my God!", Betty gasps.

_"Dang! Dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang!_   
_Dang-dang! Diggety-dang-a-dang!"_

"I can't believe you actually came!", Peter says, trying to sound enthusiastic.

"It's exciting, right? Oh, I want to say hello to Ram. I brought sparkling cider!", Ned rambles, bouncing on his heels.

"Showing up here took some guts, time to rip them out", Liz snarks. The girls walk to the center of the stage and Cindy picks up the piñata.

"Well, who's this pig remind you of? Especially the snout." Liz laughs. "Hah!"

_"Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!_   
_Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang!"_

"Where the hell are those freshmen?", Flash whines.

"Hi, Ram. I wasn't gonna come, but since you took the time to write that sweet note-"

"What note?" Flash takes the bottle from him. "Why d'you gotta be so weird all the time? People wouldn't hate you so much  
if you acted normal..."

"There's no alcohol in here! Are you trying to poison me?", Flash yelled as he spits out the sparkling cider.

"Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang  
Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang  
Dang, dang, diggety-dang-a-dang  
Diggety-dang-a-dang!" Flash bent Peter over and humped him for a second before letting him go again.

"The folks are gone  
It's time for big fun!  
Big fun!  
We're up till dawn  
Having some big fun! Big fun!", they all danced again.

"So let the speakers blow  
They'll buy another stereo  
Our folks got no clue  
'bout all the shit their children do  
Why are they surprised?  
Whenever we're unsupervised  
It's big fun!  
Big fun!  
Big fun!  
Big fun!  
Big fun!  
Whooo!" Peter, now on a higher level than the other kids, jumps down to be caught by them.

"Okay, Westerbergers, time to celebrate our victory over the Razorbacks by wacking apart their mascot!", Liz bellows, making the kids cheer.  
  
"We need a volunteer to take the first swing at the pinata!", Betty says, the pronunciation making the audience laugh.

"Martin Dunnstock! I think you should do the honors.", Liz smirks. Ned hesitates. 

"I don’t really know this game..."

"Let’s show this boy some Westerberg spirit!", Betty cheers. The kids whoop.

"Martin! Martin! Martin! Martin! Martin! Martin!" Ned is blindfolded and given a croquet racket.

"Bring out the pinata!", Cindy croaks. The pinata is taken onstage. It's dressed as Martin Dunnstock.

Peter quickly rushes and fights the three girls for it, winning and running up the stairs.

" You gotta give it back, Valentino, come on!", Cindy sneers. Peter growls.

"You want it? Swim for it." He drops the pinata into the pool. He runs to Ned. "Go home. Go!"

"But what about the pinata?"

"Go home, I’ll explain later. Go!" Ned runs off and Peter turns to Liz. "Well, we gave it a shot. I’m resigning my commision from the lip gloss gestapo and going back to civilian life."

"No.", Liz pushes her and grabs her.

"Don’t push me. I’m not feeling well.", Peter groans. 

"You don’t get to be a nobody. Come Monday, You’re an ex-somebody. Not even the losers are gonna touch you now. You can transfer to Washington and you can transfer to Jefferson, but no one at Westerberg is gonna let you play their reindeer games." Tony shots Loki a look, who rolls his eyes at him.

Peter pukes onto Liz's blazer. She screeches loudly and pushes him off her. The audience laughs.

"I raised you up from nothing! And this is my thanks? I get paid in puke?", she screeches. Peter scoffs and gets up in her face.

"Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up." The audience cheers loudly at that, the Avengers not knowing why. They'd never seen the movie after all.

"I know who I’m eating lunch with on Monday. Do you?", Liz snarks and turns to the kids. "Okay, party people! Where is the goddam keg?"

The kids cheer and leave, pulling Liz with them.

The Avengers were curious. What would happen now? Was the inappropriate stuff over?

_Hell no._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DEAD GIRL WALKING NEXT OMMMGGGGG  
> thank y'all for all the positive feedback, it really encourages me to write more <3


	7. Dead Girl Walking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's Dead Boy Walking but whatever IT'S HERE  
> if u want something specific in this, comment abt it and maybe I'll add it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even think it'd be okay for adults to watch teenagers make out like this but whatever it's a fanfiction

Music began to play and May smiled. Maybe this would be another solo. Peter began to sing, sounding defeated.

"The demon queen of high school has decreed it: She says Monday, 8 a.m., I will be deleted", he winces and continues.

"They'll hunt me down in study hall, stuff, and mount me on the wall. Thirty hours to live— How shall I spend them?", he sings and widens his arms.

"I don't have to stay and die like cattle. I could change my name and ride up to Seattle.", he muses and walks to the center of the stage. "But I don't own a motorbike...wait—"

Peter turns and looks at Harley on the higher level, laying down. The Avengers furrow their eyebrows.

"Here's an option that I like: Spend these thirty hours gettin' freaky!" Tony and May's eyes widen as the audience laughs and they turn to look at each other, horrified. Surely they would only kiss or something, right?

"I need it hard  
I'm a dead boy walkin'  
I'm in your yard  
I'm a dead boy walkin'  
Before they punch my clock  
I'm snappin' off your window lock", he sings, walking towards the stairs and slowly climbing them. Laughter rings through the audience, as the Avengers shift in their seats.

"Got no time to knock, I'm a dead boy walking!" Harley sits up, clearly shocked.

"Valentino? What are you doing in my room?", he stutters and Peter shushes him, waving a finger around. Bucky snorts and Clint cackles.

"Sorry, but I really had to wake you. See, I decided I must ride you till I break you!", he bellows, Harley shooting a nervous glance at the team, who's spluttering. 

"Nope, I'm leaving." Tony moves to stand up, but Natasha makes him stay with a sharp glare.

"Peter will be very disappointed and sad if you leave." Tony sighs and gives up. Maybe it would be all that bad?

"'Cause Heather says I gots to go, you're my last meal on death row" Harley moves to say something, but Peter stops him. "Shut your mouth and lose them tighty-whities!"

The audience cackles and Peter moves to stand before Harley.

"Come on! Tonight I'm yours, I'm your dead boy walkin'! Get on all fours-", Peter unbuttons his blazer and shoves Harley down. "Kiss this dead boy walkin'!"

"Let's go, you know the drill. I'm hot and pissed and need my fill!" The audience cheers and wold whistles are heard. Harley slowly trails his hand up Peters's thigh and underneath his skirt. Tony gapes and covers May's eyes, who's all red by now. Bucky cheers loudly and Steve shoots him a glare.

"Bow down to the will of a dead boy walking!" Peter stops and kneels down in front of the other boy, singing softly this time. "And you know, you know, you know, it's 'cause you're beautiful."

Some people chuckle and Tony sighs inn relief, catching a deep breath.

"You say you're numb inside, but I can't agree.", he sings, his hands on the taller boy's chest. "So the world's unfair, keep it locked out there."

"In here it's beautiful.", he puts his hand over Harley's chest, right where his heart is. After a short pause, he takes off his blazer completely. "Let's make this beautiful!"

Harley smirks and widens his arms. "That works for me oop-"

He's interrupted by Peter kissing him. They make out and Peter straddles Harley. The Avengers watch, petrified, as the boy takes off Harley's shirt.

"Oh my god...", Tony whispers, trying to look away. Peter stops kissing him and sits up, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Yeah! Full steam ahead, take this dead boy walkin'!" Tony groans.

'Please don't.'

"How'd you find my address?", Harley asks, clearly out of breath. Peter just smirks.

"Let's break the bed, rock this dead boy walkin'!" Harleys's eyes widen.

"I think you tore my mattress!", he retorts. Tony groaned once more. Why was he even invited to watch this?

"No sleep tonight for you, better chug that Mountain Dew.", Peter shushed him.

"Okay, okay."

"Get your ass in gear, make this whole town disappear!", Peter grins. Harley nods, stunned.

"Okay, okay!" Peter slaps Harley. Tony makes a face.

"Slap me! Pull my hair!" Harley pulls his hair, making his head move back. "Touch me-"

"There and there and there!", they sing together, Harley opening his blouse, touching his groin and grabbing his ass. 

Tony groans and covers his eyes. He only sees May spluttering out of the corner of his eye and Pepper coving hers and her own eyes. Natasha looks disgusted, but still laughs at him. Bucky, Sam, and Clint are cackling at Steve is mumbling about lecturing the boys later.

Bruce is just looking away, Rhodey seems unbothered, Thor is watching in interest, as is Loki. Steve scolds them both and chuckled when he sees Tony. 

"You, mister, look like your head is about to blow up." The Avengers all laugh at that.

"And no more talkin'!", Peter sings loudly, Harley smirking. 

"Whoa-oh-oh-oh!", Harley sings.

"Love this dead boy walkin'!" The boys start grinding on each other, the audience, minus the team, catcalling.

"Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Yeah, yeah!"

"Love this dead boy!"

"Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey! Wait, wait!"

"Love this dead boy!"

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" "Ow!", Harley yelps.

"Yeah!" The lights turn off and the audience is cheering loudly.

...

"Can I open my eyes again?" Bucky snorts once again.

Tony uncovers his eyes and the lights turn on again.

"Hello, slut.", Liz sneers, sitting on top of the stairs. Peter yelps. Some kids rise behind him, green light shining on them.

"How did you get in here?" Liz smirks and looks at her nails. 

"I’m like oxygen: I’m everywhere. Really, Valentino? Sleeping with psycho trenchcoat kid? I will crucify you for this. Everyone in school is gonna know that “good little Valentino Sawyer” is nothing but a dirty whore.", she snarks and Peter whimpers.

"Why are you so determined to hurt me?" Tony flinches at his tone and so does Steve. They've heard that same tone before. But in missions.

"Because I can. It’ll be so very." She laughs maniacally.

 _"Very! Very! Very! Very! Very! Very! Very! Very!"_

The lights turn off again and a scream is heard.

When the lights turn on again Peter is sitting up and Harley shoots up.

"Val! You’re soaking wet!", he says, sounding worried. Peter sighs, relieved.

"It was just a dream." Peter stands up and starts to get ready. Harley raises an eyebrow.

"What’s the rush?" Harley stands up and also put his clothes back on.

"I gotta get to Heather’s."

"Why? You said you were done with Heather.", Harley protests.

"Yeah, and it was a sweet fantasy. A world without Heather, a world where everyone is free! But now it’s morning and I have to go kiss her aerobicized ass.", Peter sighs. Harley shifts on his feet.

"Let me come with.", he insists and Peter turns to look at him, teary-eyed.

"Really?"

"Y’know, for backup." Peter walks towards him and thanks him, only before kissing him sweetly.

"By the way...", Peter stutters, shooting him finger guns. "You were my first."

He patted his chest twice and Harley smiles, shaking his head. The audience laughs.

The Avengers were just relieved that the last song was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope y'all liked it omggggg  
> the dark stuff's abt to happennnnnnnn


	8. The Me Inside of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh no death  
> come and CATCH ME WHILE U CAN AHAJHIA

Peter and Harley walk down the stairs and stop at a kitchen island. Peter hesitates before calling out.

"Heather? Heather?!"

"WHAT???", Liz sleepily calls from her bed.

"It’s Valentino. I’m here to apologize." Liz scoffs.

"Well, I hope you brought kneepads, bitch. Fix me a prairie oyster and I’ll think about it.", she calls. The audience chuckles.

"Prairie oyster... what’s in that? Raw egg, vinegar-" Peter starts to look for the ingredients. 

"Worchester, hot sauce, salt, and pepper.", Harley finishes and joins him.

"You know your hangover cures.", Peter laughs. Harley shrugs and grins. 

"My dad taught me all kinds of stuff." Peter gasps.

"Okay, here’s my revenge: I’ll drop a phlegm glob in her prairie oyster. She’ll never know!" He starts to make disgusting sounds and spits into the mug. Harley laughs.

"Y’know, I’m more of a “no rust build up” man myself." He holds up a bottle. Peter giggles.

"Don’t be a dick, that stuff will kill her." Harley smirks and pours it into a glass anyway.

"Thus ending her hangover. I say we go with Big Blue." He holds it up and stares at it.

"What are you doing? You can’t just... besides Heather would never drink anything that looks like that.", Peter muses. Harley looks down.

"So we use a mug, she won’t know what she’s drinking.", he smirks.

"Forget it!", Peter snorts and he smiles.

"Chicken!", he starts making chicken noises, and Peter sighs.

"You’re not funny."

"Okay, I’m sorry." Harley comes forward and kisses him sweetly. Tony gags, getting flashbacks from the last song.

"Prairie oyster! Chop-chop.", Liz screeches and they jump apart.

"Val you-", Harley stops. Peter purses his lips.

"I what?" 

"Nevermind."

Peter walks over to Liz's bed, Harley following him." Morning, Heather."

"Valentino, and Jesse James, quelle surprise. Well, let’s get to it. Beg.", she snarks.

"Look, we both said things we didn’t mean last night and-", Peter starts. Liz stops him.

"I’d actually prefer if you did this on your knees. In front of your boy toy here.", she smirks.

Peter squirms. "Yeah. Anyhow, look, I’m really sorry-"

"Do I look like I’m kidding? Down." Liz laughs. Harley turns away and Peter gets on his knees.

"Nice. But you’re still dead to me.", she sneers and takes a big gulp.

Peter quickly stands up and catches her as she starts choking and holding her throat.

"... CORN! NUTS!", she yells at him and then drops to the ground. The audience laughs.

Harley forces out a "Holy shit!"

"Language!", Clint yells, making some people laugh, and Steve glare at him.

"Don’t just stand there, call 911!", Peter yells at him.

"It’s a little late for that.", Harley states and Peter shakes his head.

"Heather? Heather?! Heather, wake up! HEATHER?! Oh my god... I just killed my best friend!", Peter screams in horror. Harley pipes up from beside him.

"And your worst enemy."

Peter snaps. "Same difference. The police are gonna think I did this on purpose. They’re gonna have to send my SAT scores to San Quentin."

Harley rolls his eyes and hurries to the other boy's side. "Unless... look, she was reading The Bell Jar."

Peter eyes him and gapes. "Oh no!"

"Oh yes! You can fake her handwriting. Make her sound deep, like this: I have paid in my path like Sylvia Plath, my problems were myriad-"

"I was having my period!", Peter cackles, making the audience laugh. Then he stops and realizes there's a corpse lying in front of him. "OH MY GOD!"

"This is serious! You could go to jail, get your head on straight now.", Harley reminds him and Peter nods.

"Heather would never use the word “myriad” okay? She missed it on her vocabulary quiz." Tony snorts.

"So it’s a badge for her failures at school. Work with me!", Harley complains. He hands the note to Peter.

"Okay."

"Think. Long and hard. Conjure her up in your mind. What would she say? What is her final statement to a cold, uncaring planet?"

Peter thinks for a second.

"Dear world... believe it or not, I knew about fear; I knew the way loneliness stung. I hid behind smiles and crazy hot clothes; I learned to kiss boys with my tongue."

"That's good.", Harley nods and the audience chuckles.

"But oh, the world, it held me down; It weighed like a concrete prom queen crown." Liz sits up and takes over.

"No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings. No one gets her insecurity... I am more than shoulder pads and makeup. No one sees the me inside of me..."

She turns around and snarks "Jesus, you're making me sound like Air Supply!"

The audience laughs and Harley nudges Peter. "Keep going. This has to be good enough to fool the cops."

Peter nods and lays the note down onto the ground and walks away with the other boy.

Two teachers appear, Mr. Jefferson and Mr. Schmitz. They're dressed as the police. Mr. Jefferson picks up the note.

"Whoa! Is it murder?", Mr. Schmitz muses.

"No, look. Here's a suicide note.", Mr. Jefferson says and hands him the note. Liz, Peter and the teachers sing.

"They couldn't see past my rockstar mystique, they wouldn't dare look in my eyes, but just underneath was a terrified girl who clings to her pillow and cries! My looks were just like prison bars- ", Liz stops but the teachers and Peter continue. "They've left me a myriad of scars."

Liz grins. "'Myriad', Nice." The audience chuckles.

"No one thinks a pretty girl has substance. That's the curse of popularity. " Another teacher, Mr. Larsson appears and Mr. Jefferson shows him the note.

"I am more than just a source of handjobs.", he sings, making Mr. Jefferson look at the note to see it written down.

"No one sees the me inside of me.", they all sing together again.

They quickly move the bed and the kitchen island away and Mr. Larsson goes to Ms. Honey and Coach Wilson, Liz standing behind them.

"Heather Chandler is not your everyday suicide.", the man says.

"You should cancel classes.", Coach Wilson tries.

"No way, Coach. I send the kids home before lunch and the switchboard will light up like a Christmas tree." Ms. Honey steps in.

"Our children are dying! What this school needs is a good old-fashioned rap session. I suggest we get everyone into the cafeteria and just talk and feel, together." Mr. Larsson snorts.

"Thank you, Ms. Fleming. Call me when the shuttle lands." Ms. Honey rolls her eyes.

"Go ahead, laugh at the hippie. I'm telling you, we all misjudged Heather Chandler. Myself included. Have you read this suicide note? Really, read it." Ms. Honey shows the staff the note.

"Box up my clothing for Goodwill  
And give the poor my Nordic Track  
Donate my car to crippled kids  
Or to those ghetto moms on crack  
Give them my hats and my CDs  
My pumps and my flats, my three TVs!", Ms. Honey and Liz sing.

"No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings;  
But I weep for all I failed to be  
Maybe I can help the world by leaving;  
Maybe that’s the me inside of me.", the other teachers join in.

"Aw, hell. Long weekend for everybody!", Coach Wilson says and the teachers cheer. Ms. Honey joins the kids.

"Not so fast, kids. They're refueling the buses, which gives us a solid half-hour of healing. Now, I have mimeographed copies of the suicide note so you can feel Heather's anguish." She hands ou the notes.

"I never knew about her pain-", Betty sings.

"Go on!"

"Her life had hit a rocky patch!", Charles continues.

"Feel!"

"Deep down she wasn't cruel or vain-", MJ sings.

"Heal!"

"She didn't mean to be a snatch!", they all sing.

"Valentino, you've been awfully quiet. What's on your mind?", Ms. Honey asks, looking at Peter, who squirms.

"Uhhh...m-maybe Heather realized that in order to be happy she had to give up her power and that the only way to do that was death?", Peter squeaks. Ms. Honey paces around.

"My God, look what we've done, we're breaking through! Heather would be so proud of you!"

_"And you!_   
_And you!_   
_And you!_   
_And you!"_

"No one thinks a pretty girl can touch you..."

"Heather touching me...", a girl sighs dreamily. The audience laughs.

"But she's made us better than we were. Heather's dead, but she will live inside me, and I'll be the me inside of her..."

"Holy crap! This is awesome!", Liz cheers.

"Heather cried, our sins fell on her shoulders!"

"Jesus Christ!"

"Heather died, so we could all be free!"

"I'm bigger than John Lennon!" Laughter rings through the crowd.

"Heather's gone, but she will live forever!"

"She's the dove that sings outside my window!", Ned sings.

"She's the twin from whom I'm separated!", Tiny sings.

"She's the horse I never got for Christmas!" Liz smiles and dances around.

"Heather sees the me inside of me!", all the kids sing.

"Heather is the me inside of me! Inside of... me!", everyone else joins in.

The lights turn off and Pepper turns to May. 

"Damn that was dark." May nodded.

"But also kinda sweet." Tony snorts and they look at him.

"At least I didn't have to watch Peter and Harley-" He stops because of the glare Steve sent him. Clint, Sam and Bucky snicker.


	9. Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> YOU MAKE MY BALLS SO BLUEEEEEEEEEE

Cindy does a speech on the tv, making the audience laugh, then the lights turn on to show Peter and Harley sitting on a couch.

"Turn it off! Turn it off!", Peter pleads and Harley nods. The light for Cindy turned off. A teacher, Mr. Scott, enters. Harley stands up and Peter follows.

"Hey son, I didn’t hear you come in!", Harley grins. Mr. Scott comes forward. 

"Hey pop, I wanted to introduce you to my new boyfriend." the man jokes and Peter comes to a stop in front of him.

He holds out his hand. "Oh hi. H-hey I'm Valentino."

Mr. Scott places a can of beer in his hand. "Drink up, cutie." 

Peter frowns. "It's a little early."

Tony looks down. He wonders what kind of dad he'd be if he hadn't gotten rid of his drinking problem by now.

"Oh hey, champ. You know we don't support underage drinking in this household." Harley takes the beer from Peter's hands and gives it back to the teacher in front of him.

"Oh, so you're a good boy.", Mr. Scott smirks. Peter squirms uncomfortably.

"Uhm..."

"Val was just leaving.", Harley stops him.

"Oh relax. Just having some fun! Go on, sit, sit.", Mr. Scott walks to the couch and he and Peter sit down on it. "So work was a real pain in the ass today!"

He complains more about his day, his words slurring slightly.

"So pops, can I invite my boyfriend to supper?", Mr. Scott asks. Harley shifts nervously and clasps his hand together.

"Oh uh, I don't think that's such a good idea, son."

"Aw pa, don't be a square.", Mr. Scotts grins. Peter quickly butts in.

"Oh I- um I appreciate the offer, I really do, but I can't stay, actually, because my mom is making my favorite meal today." Peter turns to the audience and widens his arms. " Spaghetti!"

The audience laughs. "Nice. Last time I saw my mom, she was waving at me out the window of a library in...Texas. Right, dad?"

Mr. Scott turns to Harley. "Right, son." Peter coughs.

"Okay, well see ya tomorrow!" He clears his throat and walks away.

He stops. "Dear Diary, JD's Dad will NOT be speaking at our wedding." The audience chuckles. A phone rings and Peter picks up. Betty is on the phone.

"Hello?", Peter asks.

"Valentino? I need help, I'm at the cemetery.", Betty squeaks. 

"What's wrong?"

"Just hurry up, please! It's an emergency." "Okay."

Peter hangs up and walks off. Betty also runs. The lights turn off. When they turn on again, a car is seen with Betty in it. Peter knocks on the window and Betty rolls it down.

"Hey.", Peter says awkwardly. Betty smiles.

"Hi!"

"Uh, is Kurt okay?", he points to Abe.

"He passed out. Me and Kurt and Ram and Heather Duke came to pour a jug of Thunderbird on Heather’s grave, you know, from her homies, but Kurt and Ram drank it all. Ram and Heather went off together then Kurt started grabbing me and he wouldn’t stop."

"After everything that happened at Ram’s party, why did you call me?", Peter asks. Betty smiles.

"Well, that was the deal. If I got you here, Kurt promised to leave me alone."

"So you avoided date rape by volunteering me for date rape?" The audience laughs, but Tony doesn't miss the way Peter's voice wavers at 'rape'. He growls. May Skip Westcott rot in hell.

"God, you make it sound ugly.", Betty deadpan and laughter range through again. Peter sighs.

"I'm leaving now." Abe jumps out, making Peter jump. 

"Heyyy Valentino. I waited 10 whole beers for you!" He falls down to the floor. Cindy and Flash come on stage.

"Goddammit, Ram, I said I’m done! Sober up, you idiot. Heather, unlock the door." Betty lets Cindy in. Flash flops against the car.

"You can't leave me like this! You're causing physical pain in my area.", he whines. "It's science, I need relief!" 

Abe groans and points towards Peter. Flash notices him and smirks.

"Well heyyyyy Val~" Peter scoffs.

"Eww. You got a left hand: Use it.", Abe stands up.

"Don't talk mean like that!" "You'll hurt their feelings."

"Whose feelings?" The Avengers nod at that. Whose feelings?

"You make my balls so blue.", Flash sings. Abe grins.

"You hurt them badly" They dance, making the audience laugh.

Tony and the Avengers groan. Clint cackles and imitates DJ Khaled. "Another one." Bucky and Sam laugh and Nat can't help but snort.

"You make my balls so blue" "They're hangin' sadly"

"What did they do to you, that you hate them so?" "Don't run from me, they're all beat up-" They chest bump.  
"-like a tackling dummy!"

"They long for your embrace!" "They're warm like mittens." Tony gags.

"They'll curl up on your face" "And purr like kittens!" Tony covers his ears.

"You make my balls so blue!"

"Just look at them glow...", they sing together. May sighs.

"They’re beggin' you!"

"Don't make my balls so blue" Peter bangs on the window of the car.

"Heather...? Heather...? Open the door"

"Oh no, oh no no no!"

"Open the door!", he pleads.

"Oh no, oh no no no!" Abe and Flash start again.

"You make my balls so blue, so please say hello!"

"Hold 'em!" "Enfold 'em" 

"And never let go!"

"Once you were geeky and nerdy" "But they knew you're dirty" Peter frowns. They dance around him.

"You've set them on fire"

"Whatever you require they'll do! So take 'em home to meet your parents!"  
  
"They'll wear a suit and tie" "And a fancy collar!" Steve chuckles.

"They'll sing a lullaby: La la la la la!" The audience laughs. Tony groans once again.

"Please make these balls not blue"

"Just for a while!" "Can't wait till later"

"My pants are rubbin'-" "Like a hot cheese grater!" Peter grabs a bottle from Betty and hands it to Abe.

"Look! Booze. Drink!" Abe gasps.

"Thank you so much!"

"They will protect you-" Peter sighs  
"Defend you"  
"Respect you"  
"Befriend you"  
"Like Winnie-the-Pooh!" "Winnie-the-Pooh!"

"Baby, baby, baby, they're so blue!"

"My balls will work for you" "They will obey ya!" They take turns drinking from the bottle.  
  
"They really need rescue!" "Like Princess Leia!" Tony snorts at that. Peter must like that line.

"Baby, you've gots to come through"  
"Teach them to smile!" "You got no clue how much  
These two"  
"Depend on you. Please help them through! My balls are in your court!" The whole team groans. Can't it just be over already?

"Yeah!"

"You make them balls so blue!", the girls sing.

"You make my balls so blue!", the boys sing.

"You make them balls so blue!"

"Ow! Ow!" Peter slowly walks away, they don't notice.

"You make them balls so blue!"

"You make my balls so blue!"

"You make my balls so blue!  
You shake them  
You quake them"

"Good God!" "My balls!"  
"You make my balls so blue!"  
  
"You make my balls so blue! You take them-"  
"Lookit! Lookit!  
Lookit! Lookit!"

"You bake them. "

"You make my balls so blue!  
Please make their dreams come true  
And make these balls not blue!"

(A/N: I drew Peter as Valentino I guess? I'm not really good and used a pose reference but ya know)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well this sure was...something....


	10. Our Love Is God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> one of the most beautiful songs imo

The lights turn on again. Peter is standing awkwardly in the center of the stage.

"Dear diary, close call last night. Turns out, Heather Chandler was the only person at Westerberg who could actually control Kurt and Ram, and she is dead." The audience chuckles. Liz appears behind Peter.

"Should've thought of that before you killed me.", she snarks and then gags. "God, I'm gonna be coughing up drain cleaner for eternity."

"Technically, I did not kill Heather. I know that, but I still feel bad. But not as bad as I should. And that makes me feel worse." Peter walks over to Betty and Cindy.

"Hey guys, I’m really looking forward to your apology for being such ice-cold bitches last night.", Peter sneers. Tony snorts. It looks more like a kicked puppy trying to be mad.

"Um, cleaning out Heather’s locker. A little bit of respect." Cindy rolls her eyes.

"Heather duke is such a sad little poser. Valentino, tell her to stop touching my stuff! Val? Val!", Liz screeches in Peter's ear, making him snap.

"Shut up, Heather!"

"You shut up! I don’t have to shut up anymore." Cindy holds up Heather Chandler's scrunchie and puts it into her hair.

"Hey, that’s Heather’s scrunchie!", Betty pipes up.

"Shut up, Heather!" "Sorry, Heather..."

"Shut up, Heather. Heather Chandler’s gone and it’s up to me to replace her.", the girl smirks. Peter frowns.

"Replace Heather Chandler?"

" Please.", Liz sneers.

"You should be worrying less about me and more about your reputation. Kurt and Ram have been telling the whole school about your little threeway last night." Peter's eyes widen and so do Tony's.

"Three-way?", Harley pipes up. Peter clears his throat.

"There was no threeway, nothing happened!"

"I remember differently. I seem to remember there was a-" The music restarts and Flash and Abe jump onstage.

"Big sword fight in his mouth!" The audience cackles and the Avengers splutter.

"And he allowed it?", Jason asks, mouth agape. Flash and Abe dance again.

"Big sword fight in his mouth..." "That sure sounds crowded!"

"And then we both went south" "And planted our flags"

"My big salami" "Bent him over like origami!" Tony goes green in the face and gags. Nat looks a little green too but rolls her eyes.

_"Woah, Woah, Woah_   
_Wooooaaaahh!"_

"Everybody was" "Sword fighting in his mouth"

"Yes we're convinced it"

"Went down right in his mouth" "I hope he rinsed it!" May looks close to passing out.

"He blew and blew and blew" "Like they were balloons"

"He lapped us up" "Like a hearty stew"

"He bit off more than he could chew..."

_"Woah, Woah..."_

"He'll do the same for you!" "She blew not one guy but two. She blew and blew and blew"

"Valentino blew two!"

"He blew not one guy but two  
He's like some freak in a zoo"

"If his mother only knew he blew two!", Cindy sings.

"And every word is true  
Valentino blew two!"

"Yeaaaahhhhh!", Cindy sings, enjoying the attention. Harley goes to beat up Flash and Abe, but they beat him up instead.

"Freak! Slut! Psycho! Slut! Poke-ass! Slut!  
Freak! Slut! Psycho! Slut! Poke-ass!"

"Whooore!", Abe snarks at Peter, who shrinks and falls to his knees.

"Pussy!", Flash spits at Harley. The kids walk offstage. Peter turns to Harley, tears streaking down his face.

"Are you okay?" Harley frowned and nodded.

"What about you?" Peter choked on a sob.

"Awesome. I’m sorry about the waterworks." Harley takes his hand and starts to sing.

"They made you cry, but that will end tonight. You are the only thing that's right about this broken world. Go on and cry, but when the morning comes, we'll burn it down and then we'll build the world again...our love is God" Harley stand up and Peter follows shortly after. Harley starts crying.

"Are you okay?"

"I was alone. I was a frozen lake...but then you melted me awake, see, now I'm crying too.  
You're not alone-" "You're not alone." Harley smiles shakily and moves to stand in front of the other boy. 

"And when the morning comes" "When the morning comes."

"We'll burn away that tear, and raise our city here..." "Raise our city here..." Peter touches Harley's face and the older boy puts his hand on the other boy's waist.

"Our love is God" Peter gets an idea and gestures for Harley to follow him. He walks over to a telephone and calls Abe, who's come on stage with Flash.

"Yellow!", said boy answers. The audience laughs. Peter fidgets and Harley takes his hand.

"Hi, Kurt, it's Valentino... how did you guys know it was always a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once?" Tony and May gag again and the team laughs at them.

"Wowuhh... lucky guess?"

"Well, if you want it to come true, meet me at the cemetery, at dawn." Peter hangs up quickly. Abe turns to Flash. 

"We get a piece of ass for free!", he cheers and Flash's face lights up.

"And we don't even have to buy it a pizza!" The audience laughs.

"Punch it in! What?! Hahaha!" They leave the stage. Peter and Harley walk to the center of the stage.

"We can start and finish wars" "We're what killed the dinosaurs. We're the asteroid that's overdue. The dinosaurs choked on the dust, they died because God said they must...the new world needed room for me and you."They hold onto each other.

"I worship you.", Harley sings. They stare into each other's eyes. "I'd trade my life for yours. They all will disappear, we'll plant our garden here."  
"Plant our garden here"

"Our love is God"  
"Our love is God"  
"Our love is God"  
"Our love is God"

Harley pulls out a gun. Peter's eyes widen.

"Whoa. Is that real?" Harley smirks.

"Yeah, but we're filling it with "Ich Lüge" bullets." Steve and Bucky's eyes widen.

"Ich Luge...? What?"

"My grandad scored them in World War II. They contain this powerful tranquilizer. The Nazis used them to fake their own suicides when the Russians invaded Berlin." Steve growls and it takes all of Bucky to not grow angry too. Sam quickly moves to calm them down. "We will use them to knock Kurt and Ram out just long enough to make it look like a suicide pact. Complete with a forged suicide note:"

Light turns on over Flash and Abe holding hands. "Ram and I died because we had to hide our gay forbidden love from a misapproving world." Peter laughs shortly and turns back to Harley.

"And when the morning comes, they'll both be laughing stocks." Harley flinches. "So let's go hunt some jocks!"

Harley leaves and Flash and Abe come back on stage.

"Hi... Valentino." The audience laughs. 

"So do we just whip it out or what?", Flash deadpan. Peter winces, but giggles to cover it up.

"Take it slow, Ram. Strip for me.", he orders.

"Ok." "Okaaay...What about you?" They strip down slowly.

"Oh, Well, I was hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport." Flash and Abe stop only to start stripping down to their boxers faster. 

"Yeah, we can do that." Once they were done , Peter smirks. Tony narrows his eyes.

"Count of three." "One... two..." Harley comes into the light with the gun in his hands. "Three."

Peter pulls his out too. Harley shoots Flash, who falls to the ground. Peter shoots at Abe, but misses. Abe runs away, Harley rushing after him.

"Holy crap!" "Stay there! I’ll get him. Kurt? Kurt!" "You killed my best friend! Why are you chasing me?"

Peter rushes over to Flash and checks on him. "Ram? Ram? You're just unconscious, right? Ram? Ram!" 

"Get off the fence! Get off the damn fence!" "I don't understand!" Abe freezes, trying to climb the fence.

"We can start and finish wars. We're what killed the dinosaurs. We're the asteroid that's overdue.", Harley sings, Abe unfreeze.

"Stop being a dick!" He freezes again.

"The dinosaurs will turn to dust." Abe unfreezes. 

"What does that mean?!" "They'll die because we say they must." Harley shoots Abe. He falls to the ground. Harley walks back to Peter.

"What the fuck have you done?!"

"...I worship you. I'd trade my life for yours  
And once they disappear, we'll plant our garden here.  
Our love is God  
Our love is God  
Our love is God  
Our love is God  
Our love is God" "Our love is God" Harley moves an arm around Peter's neck.

"Our love is God..."  
"Our love is God..."  
"Our love is God..."

The audience cheers and claps. May turns to Tony and Pepper with wide eyes. "How is this shit so dark?!"


	11. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long-awaited break is here!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! School began for me!"

_"Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached the break. Feel free to buy something, go to the toilet, or maybe even talk to some of the performers. Keep in mind, that they have to prepare for the next scene."_

Tony and May looked at each other and stoop up abruptly. 

"We're gonna go talk to Peter and Harley, who's coming with us?", May asked. Steve laughed and stood up, Pepper and Natasha following. 

Bucky piped up. "We're gonna get some snacks." 

He stood up and left with Sam. Tony started walking to the stage, the others following behind him. A boy stood there with a headset on, looking at them with a raised eyebrow. Tony mentally rolled his eyes.

"Peter Sta-Parker and Harley Keener." May grinned at Tony's slip up. He and Pepper were planning on actually adopting her nephew. She was really happy for him, as she also had grown to see the couple as her family.

The boy nodded and opened the door behind him. The group entered the backstage area. Natasha immediately spotted her baby spider and told the group. He was getting his makeup fixed, seeing as he had just ruined it by crying in the last song. He was joking around with Ned, who was showing the boy something on his phone. Harley was nowhere to be seen.

"Underoos.", Tony huffed, getting close to Peter's ear. The boy jumped and shrieked, turning around in his chair. The girl doing his makeup sighed and walked away. 

"Gah, Dad! Don't scare me like that!", Peter whisper-yelled and Tony raised an eyebrow. 

"Shouldn't you have sensed my presence with your-?"

"Peter-Tingle.", May jumped in. Tony nodded.

"With your Peter-Tingle?" The boy groaned.

"Please don't call it my Peter-Tingle, it's called Spidey-Sense." Tony snorted. 

"That's actually worse. Well, anyway, kid, why exactly did you think it would be a good idea to invite us to watch this?" Peter's smile dropped. Pepper groaned and hit Tony on his arm.

"You don't like it?"

Tony rushed to reassure the tearing up boy. "No no! I love it! You and Harley's acting is soooo good, it's just..."

Steve sighed. "There's literally a sex scene with you and Harley, Queens."

Peter's face lit up with understanding and guilt. "Ohhh, well I didn't think of that. I just thought you'd be proud of me afterward."

The boy fumbled with his skirt and Nat frowned at that. She made a note in her head to ask him about skirts later. "We are so proud. Never mind it, it just wasn't what we were expecting, that is all."

Peter nodded and saw something. He quickly jumped up and hugged them all. "I gotta go now, see you after the play!" 

The others stared after the boy as he ran off. "Do we still have time to talk to Harley?"

Pepper shook her head. "I think he's busy anyway. Let's just go back to our seats."

They got seated again and got some snacks from Bucky and Sam. The others looked at them expectantly. Nat shrugged.

"He didn't think of the...song. He also got sad and really wants us all to be proud, so shush, okay?" The others nodded.

"No sign of Harley?" Steve shook his head. "Probably busy."

_"Ladies and Gentlemen, settle back down, the break is over. The next scene will start in a minute."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY PRIDE MONTH Y'ALL!!!
> 
> And Black Lives Matter! <3
> 
> I'm making a Pride Month prompts book!


	12. My Dead Gay Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we stan supportive gay dads :')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a normal update! Sorry again for not being as active as before. Just having a lot going on rn.

The lights turn on to show Peter. "Dear Diary, I'm going steady, mostly he's awesome, if a bit too 'rock and roll'. Lately, he's bumped off three of my classmates. God, have mercy on my soul." 

Two more lights turn on to show Kurt and Ram's football helmets. "They were just seventeen, they still had room to grow. They could have turned out good and now we'll never know." 

The light turns on completely, showing Harley walking towards Peter in a church. "There’s been a distinct lack of boys climbing through my bedroom window lately."

"Take the hint.", Peter snarks. Harley rolls his eyes. 

"Okay, I get it, you’re mad-" Peter scoffs.

"No, I don’t think you do. “Ich Luge” bullets? You lied to me." "You were lying to yourself. You wanted them dead too."

"I did not."

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!" Tony groans and turns to Steve. 

"I feel like I know this." Steve snorts.

"Yeah, because this is exactly how Peter and Harley fight." Natasha snickers.

"And at the end Harley always gives in to Peter's Bambi eyes." They laugh and turn back to the play.

"Did not!"

"Hey! Did they make you cry?", Harley walks closer to Peter. "Yes."

"Can they make you cry now?"

"No, but you can.", Peter snaps. Harley steps closer.

"Just wait ‘till you see the good that comes of this." 

"No good could possibly come of this." Harley smirks. 

"Call me an optimist." 

"Dear diary, my teenage angst bullshit has a body count." Harley takes his hand and leads him to a bench. They sit down and two men enter the stage, one stepping up.

"I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say up here. I’m ashamed, of course. My family’s turned this town into a laughingstock. My boy Kurt? Not the man I thought he was.", Coach Wilson says, grimacing. "When I think of the sick, disgusting things that Kurt and Ram were do-"

Mr. Cobbwell stops him. "You wait just a minute, Paul! It is ignorant, hateful talk like yours that makes this world a place our boys could not live in!"

Steve grins and takes Bucky's hand, nodding along. Bucky snorts and kisses his cheek.

"They were not dirty, they were not wrong! They were two lonely verses in the Lord's great song!", Mr. Cobbwell sings. Coach Wilson sighs.

"Our boys were pansies, Bill!"

"Yes! My boy's a homosexual and that don't scare me none—  
I want the world to know... I love my dead gay son!" The audience cheers, Steve being one of the loudest. Clint laughs.

"Alright, Cap. Sit back down before someone recognizes you." Steve flushes and sits back down, making Bucky, Sam and Clint snicker.

"I've been thinking. Praying. Reading some magazines. And it's time we opened our eyes!  
Well, the good Lord made the universe, the Lord created man, and I believe it's all a part of his gigantic plan. I know God has a reason for each mountain and each flower, and why he chose to let our boys get busy in the shower!" The audience laughs and Coach Wilson looks frustrated.

"They were not dirty—  
They were not fruits!  
They were just two stray laces in the Lord's big boots. Well, I never cared for homos much until I reared me one..."

_"But now I've learned to love..."_

"I love my dead gay son!"

_"He loves his son_   
_He loves his son_   
_His dead gay son!"_

"Now, I say my boy's in heaven! And he's tanning by the pool. The cherubim walk with him and him, and Jesus says it's cool They don't have crime or hatred, there's no bigotry or cursin' -  
Just friendly fellows dressed up like their favorite Village Person!  
They were not dirty—", he sings while walking around.

_"No, no!"_

"They just had flair!"

_"Whoa!"_

"They were two bright red ribbons in the Lord's long hair. Well, I used to see a homo and go reachin' for my gun-"

_"But now I've learned to love..."_

"And furthermore! These boys were brave as hell! These boys , they knew damn well! Those folks would judge 'em, they were desperate to be free! They took a rebel stance, stripped to their underpants! Paul, I can't believe that you still refuse to get a clue. After all that we been through—" He stops singing and bellows.

"I'm talkin’ you and me! In the summer of '83!" The funeral attendants gasp and the audience laughs. 

"That was one hell of a fishing trip" Coach Wilson walks over to Mr.Cobbwell and kisses him. The audience cheers. Tony snorts and shakes his head. What is he even watching?

 _"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa_  
 _Whoa, whoa, whoa!_  
 _They were not dirty—_  
 _Whoa!_  
 _And not perverse—_  
 _No, no!_  
 _They were just two stray rhinestones_  
 _On the Lord's big purse!"_ The men separate.

"Our job is now continuing the work that they begun!", they sing together and kiss again.

_"'Cause now we love, love, love!_   
_We love your dead—"_

"They're up there disco dancing to the thump of angel wings!", they start dancing.

"They grab a mate..."  
"And roller skate—"

"While Judy Garland sings!"

"They live a playful afterlife that's fancy-free and reckless!"  
"They swing upon the pearly gates—"

 _"And wear a pearly necklace!"_  
 _"Whoo!"_  
  
"They were not dirty!"

_"No!"_

_"They were good men!"_

_"And now they're happy bear cubs in the Lord's big den!"_

"Go forth and love each other now. Like our boys would have done"

_"We'll teach the world to love..."_

"I love my dead gay son!  
My son! My son!"

_"Not half bad, your dead gay son!_   
_Wish I had your dead gay son!_   
_Thank you, dad, for your..."_

_"Dead! Gay! Son!"_

The audience cheers loudly and everyone leaves the stage, excluding Harley and Peter.  
The lights turn back on to Harley spreading his arms and Peter standing there all like 'What the hell did I just witness?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the support!
> 
> Would love to see some more feedback!


	13. Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seventeen's finally here!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being gone for so long I just had a lot on my mind, but I'm back now!

"What is that I smell in the air? Tolerance?" The audience laughs as Peter rolls his eyes. "Inclusion? Love? You know, how often can you say it’s a good day to live Westerberg, Ohio? You’re welcome, town."

Harley walks up to Peter. The smaller boy swallows. "You don’t have to be so smug about it."

"Your love keeps me humble." Tony snorts. "So who’s next, Heather Duke? She started that threeway rumor. I’ve taken the liberty of underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick if you know what I mean-" Peter snaps, interrupting him.

"No! No, I do not accept this! Three people are dead, that’s enough! This ends now." Harley raises an eyebrow.

"Or what?"

"Or I’m breaking up with you." Harley stays silent for a few seconds when he sneers and starts walking away from the other boy.

"Look, any war has casualties. It doesn’t mean it’s not worth fighting! But what? You’d rather go to jail and give a free pass to the thugs who hurt people, evil pricks who make this world so unbearable you can’t stand to go on living?" Peter stops him.

"JD, how did your mother die?"

"You really wanna know?" Peter nods.

"Yeah, I do." Harley sighs.

"My dad said it was an accident but she knew what she was doing. She walked into that building 2 minutes before dad blew it up. She waved at me out the window and then-KABOOM... She left me."

"I’m really sorry-" Harley scoffs. 

"Don’t be. The pain gives me clarity. We have a lot of work to do."

"What work?" Peter cocks his head. 

"Making this world a decent place for people who are decent."

"And when does it end?" Harley scowls.

"WHEN EVERY ASSHOLE IS DEAD!" "Fine!"

"We’re damaged, really damaged", Peter sobs. "But that does not make us wise. We’re not special, we’re not different, we don’t choose who lives or dies."

The smaller boy chokes up. "Let’s be normal, see bad movies, sneak a beer and watch tv. We’ll bake brownies or go bowling... don’t you want a life with me? Can’t we be seventeen? That’s all I want to do, if you could let me in, I could be good with you." The boy sings.

"People hurt us-" Harley finishes for him. "-or they vanish." 

Peter nods. "And you’re right, that really blows. But we let go—" "-take a deep breath."

"Then go buy some summer clothes. We'll go camping—" "-play some poker." Tony grumbles. May snorts. 

"And we’ll eat some chili fries. Maybe prom night-" Harley turns towards him. "-maybe dancing."

"Don't stop looking in my eyes." Peter reaches out to him. "Your eyes."

"Can't we be seventeen  
Is that so hard to do?  
If you could let me in  
I could be good with you  
Let us be seventeen  
If we still got the right." Peter takes Harley's head in his hands.

"So what's it gonna be? I wanna be with you."

"I wanna be with you." "Wanna be with you-"  
"Tonight." They kiss and Tony and Steve grimace while May, Pepper and Nat grin. The boys pull away.

"Yeah we’re damaged-" "-badly damaged. "

"But your love’s too good to lose." 

"Hold me tighter." Peter places Harley's arms around him and Harley grabs onto him. "Even closer."

"I’ll stay if I’m what you choose."   
"Can't we be seventeen?"  
"If I am what you choose."  
"If we've still got the right."  
"‘Cause you’re the one I choose."  
"You’re the one I choose." They pull away only to face each other.

"You’re the one I choose." They lean in to kiss, but the lights turn off. The audience claps, Clint wiping a tear away. Bucky and Sam laugh at him, only to get slapped on the arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


End file.
